1. 开头加一个开门见山直入主题的句子：
A promise should be a declaration assuring that one will do something concrete but not a mere verbal statement without guarantee.
2. 接下来描述图画并引出论点：
As is visual illustrated in the picture, a hen, throwing her chest with the head held high, is making a promise that she pledges her honor to lay genuine eggs. Joke as it is, but the picture reveals a mystery that some of corporations are always making an empty promise.
3. 评论
The sarcastic story impressed me deeply. Obviously, the cartoonist is criticizing the false promise made by certain of business like the hen. As a matter of fact, this is not the key message conveyed by the cartoon. It dissuades some of people, no matter what walks of life they are in, from making oral promises instead of doing well in line of duty. In the first place, owing to the rapid developing in economic, competition goes increasingly fierce in all walks of life, so some businessmen is compeled to make money in an immoral way. In addition, honesty is in line with Chinese traditional culture. One of the core principles of Chinese traditional culture is being honest to others. Many philosophies from Confucianism, Taoism and Buddhism have emphasis the significance of such honesty. Consequently, being honest is of paramount important for any business.
4. 结尾
The situation being so serious, hence, it is high time that we took effective measures to solve this problem. For one thing, relevant laws and regulations should be work out to control commercial cheating. For another, it is very important that we should enhance the awareness of consumers to protect our interest. Only by doing so can we curb the current evil phenomenon revealed in the picture.
文章开头做了大幅度的改写,后面的评论也有许多必要的修改,同时对文章的层次也提出建议.
以下是病句摘录：
头重脚轻——That the promise made by the hen which is all its duty is the most striking feature impressed me deeply.
句子不完整——So some businessmen making money with immoral way.
形容词位置不对——traditional Chinese culture
多词——That being honest is of paramount important for business. （that 是赘词）
缺少必要的连词——We should enhance the awareness of consumers that protect our interest is very important.