第一段：There has been much discussion revolving around the issue of whether universities should cultivate the graduates for employer or just for the knowledge own sake.As far as I am concerned,I am in favor of the former view.
1.要先写引文,引出问题,你太突兀
2.thesis statement 不明了,要说下概括为什么你赞成
第二段：There are reasons for people to believe that universities should cultivate students adapt to the workplace.First of all,it seems that nurture a specialist who is more useful to an employer is less time-consuming and more economical.In China,we have three-year education which called junior college education.The universities can give priority to practice of the knowledge and skill which companies need most.As an example,a skilled worker may spend just three years rather than four years or more to become a useful employee to a factory with less education fee.More importantly,educate for employer can substantially boost employment status by fostering exactly what the company needs.According to the Xinhua agency reported in 2004,the employment status of graduates who graduated form junior college was 16 percent higher than the undergraduate universities’ student.An even more significant factor that should be taken into account is it can also increased productivity by graduates’ professional skill that be taught in university That is imperative in competitive society.
1.将三个原因分成三段写更好,每段弄一个topic sentence,后面写好supporting material,注意各段之间的衔接,以及段内的衔接和逻辑顺序
2.说明原因的顺序很重要,外国人喜欢从最重要到最不重要
第四段:Admittedly,it may be lacking in theoretical knowledge.However,we can compensate the lack by continuation education.
1.反面的东西要么别写要写就向正面原因好好写
第五段：On the basis of the above factors,my conclusion is that university’s main function should be benefit to social development by provide graduates employable skills.Overall,I firmly believe that our university education will assume the responsibility for the development of modern society.
1.两个句子一个意思嘛~不行!
2.最后一段要这么写：重申thesis statement,首尾呼应,再可以提些建议或意见等,扩展一下,提高深度~
我没看整篇文章,结构不好让我不想看内容,所以,先弄好logical structure,外国人很注重logic,千万注意~这种考试也是很八股的~
等你弄好了structure我可以帮你看内容~哈哈
我的意见仅供参考~