1、不能直接用born in Hangzhou.应为I was born in Hangzhou.过去式.
2、youngers最好改成teenagers
3、I Am pleased to be able to join you.中把be able to 划去吧,有点累赘.
4、Today,we can gather here is a fate.语法错误.至少应该在we前加that.但建议说成I feel lucky that we can get together today.
fate 用作命运更多些.
5、I like art so that is the reason why I come here to compete for this position.这句话语义重复了,而且作为演讲不要用太长的句子,更不要太文绉绉.或者分成两个句子不用so .
建议说成I like art so much that I came(应该过去式,或用成 am standing ) here to compete for the position.或者用I like art very much.And that's the reason why I came ...
6、especially do the thing 将do改成doing
7、 And the friendship of all dormitory is also very important.不晓得你为何用dormitory,如果你指室友间的友谊,用roommates,dormitory指寝室.
8、ok,i know my english is not good enough ,i will continue studying.语言上,将continue改成keep on更地道些.个人认为,不用谦虚,这是许多初学者（甚至已经很有水平的人）爱说的话.但这只是中国文化中经常提倡的,实际上在英国文化中有些多余（个人理解）.建议把演讲稿练熟了,自信些就行了.
祝成功.