第一句becomes改为has become
in the daily life改为in our daily life
people become改为has become或are becoming或join the army of stock investors
all we do is buy改为all we have to do is to buy
shares in a business改为shares of a business
promise改为promising future/great prospect/potential
not children anymore改为no longer children
so we should be responsible for our future改为
and we must shoulder/take the responsibility of our own future
promise改为promising future/great prospect/potential
closing改为getting close to
最好用expose ourselves,getting more exposure to the real world
使用on the other hand要当心,不如用moreover,further more
well-rounded individual 改为all-rounded personality
Good psychology改为good psychological quality
correct改为good
on the stage 加上of life
it strengthens the ability of dealing with things for us.改为
it gives us more vision to the world/it helps us to deal with the world better不要用things
the only one way 改为the only way/the sole way
who have prepared for改为who are fully prepared
文章框架还不够明显,结构不是非常平衡,逻辑提示不明确.看得出来还是很有潜力的,还需要训练.