第①句：为什么你要用extremely来形容increase呢?
第②句：个人感觉这句倒装得不必要.一来不自然,二来有卖弄之嫌.真要倒装的话,在Bill Gates后打住就好了.为什么还要弄个advancing the IT field来修饰呢? 一口气把你这句子念完得有多累啊.不然就拆成两句：
Invariably do we admire the great talented people who have made significant contributions to the world. Take Bill Gates, the genius in the IT field, for example.(注意：原句里admire后的that是多余的,因为that 后应跟从句,而原句并非如此)
第③句：can没错,但make influence on sth.是中式英语!另外,our life 已经可以了,不必加上process.我会这样写：
Only by combining both of them can we influence our personality and future development in a positive way. （简洁,表意明确）