1.首先标点几乎全错,因为英文标点符号后要空一格的,如“At that time,when...":
2.i was hearing是错的,只能说was listening to因为listen是在听,hear是听到了,是结果不能正在进行；
3.was so excited个人觉得有点夸张,不符合西方人的逻辑,从来没见过不认识不了解,用这样的词不太好,可以用was so curious好奇
4.magical魔法般的不好,wonderful或者miraculous奇妙比较好/
5.this wouldn't be our ending
6.keep the habit to be used to caring about you太重复habit跟be used to意思重复,keep the habit of caring about you
7.When I want to give up,I always tell myself that I shouldn't give up,because something loses and never turns back,so.
8.be yourself is OK
9.that I met you
10.My eyes are filled with tears.not as strong as you might think
可以把所有的ever去掉
祝你们友谊地久天长!All the Bless!