有***的是错误,没有的是意见
标题可以写成 Vacancy for English Language Adviser / English Language Adviser Needed,感觉比较正式.
*** We Student Union is 应该改成 We Student Union are / The Student Union is
Read the followings to know more. 可以改成 Please read for more details./ Here are the details./ Please read the followings to know more./ Please read for more details on requirements and job descriptions.
First...Second 可以换成 Firstly...Secondly
*** differ in grammar and speaking habits in a way. 应该改成 differ in grammar and speaking habits in many ways.
*** So you should be a native English speaker.(English speaker就单纯是讲英语的人,不一定英语要是母语,所以要强调“native” English speaker,so可以用therefore / thus来替代,比较正式)
*** Second,you who are fluent in Chinese have more advantages. 改成 Second,those who are fluent in Chinese will have more advantages./ Second,you should be fluent in Chinese.Those who are fluent in Chinese will have more advantages.
*** our aim is to find a adviser who can help Chinese students solve problems in English study.改成 Our aim is to find an adviser who can help the Chinese students to solve their problems in English language study.
Salary and other details will be discussed face to face. 可以改成 Salary and other details can be discussed later during the interview.
*** connect lihua if you want to join us.改成 Please contact lihua if you are interested. / Please contact lihua if you are interested in joining us.（联络是contact）
*** 结尾必须是 Yours sincerely, / Yours faithfully,
你不常写公文吧,感觉上用词不够准确,语气不够正式.以上只是我的意见,你多多加油吧