1.Recently, Xi'an’ weather is turning cool, how about shanghai?口语是行的,但书面语,不行,改成Recently, Xi'an’ weather is turning cool.How about shanghai?或者Recently, Xi'an’ weather is turning cool； how about shanghai?
2.kindly用的不太好,因为kindly的意思是亲切地, 和蔼地, 友好地, 仁慈地 ……改成surely.此外将please放在后面读起来较好
3.I lack of preparedness at that time, so did not formally proposed.语法错误,因为lack是及物动词,将of去掉,准备是preparation.此外这个句子没有关联词,应该是because i lack preparation at that time,so i did not formally proposed.
4.时态不对,将leave改成left,study是及物动词,将of 去掉,knowledge是不可数名词,将s去掉
5.英语里如果用although表示“虽然”,那么不可以在后面加“but”,所以将but去掉,既然是“自己的努力”就没必要加their了,将之去掉
6.Currently I am available daily work more busy, and did not use the software for practice.很乱,改成;
Currently I am busying with my daily work , and don't have the available software for practice at day
7.I would like to learn more knowledge, have a greater development. 这里有两个谓语,也就是相当于两个句子,那么他们之间就不能用逗号连接,应该用分号者句号.而且这句话的因果逻辑关系表达不明显,改成
：I would like to learn more knowledge,so as to have a greater development.
8.将Although I find this request very unreasonable, but I still want you to give me a chance, allow me to transfer CAD engineering positions.中的but去掉,将want改成hope 比较好,将chance换成opportunity比较正式.positions后面的s去掉,这里同样犯了一个句子有两个或两个以上谓语的错误,改成Although I find this request very unreasonable,I still hope you to give me a chance, and allow me to get CAD engineering position
9.副词前面不加任何冠词,将the去掉