1 there was a earth quake in Sichuan
改为：A earth quake happened in Sichuan
Many children lost theis father or mother
改为：A lot of children lost their parents
A great number of school are also caved in
“好多”是复数,schools 还有过去时are-were
If you donate your love I think
改为I think If you donate your love 我觉得更通顺,你随便
2 你的连词不必总是Next 像 then 就可以
3 Moet -most
request：请求 用在这里不太合适换成make,make sb do ,你把to去掉
“agreat number of student”,student+s
systerm用在这里不太合适换成:rule,规章制度
Ithink school should change the systerm.Then students must like their school better.
改为Ithink if the school changeS the rule the students will be happier
可能还有不足,不过希望我能帮到你!