when we were young,parents would protect us and do everything for us
去掉would,改成when we were young,parents protected us and did everything for us.
because they loved us 改成 because they love us,前者意思是曾经爱过,后者意思是一直爱（常态）.
“Then we get older,we have friends.Friends show their patience and empressement to make us happy because they love us.”这一段话应该用一般将来时.即改成
“Then we‘ll get older and have friends.Friends will show their patience and empressement to make us happy because they love us.”