13 torch Rd.（不要逗号）
Jiulongpo Area
Chongqing
China (后加邮编)
4th April,2010
如果是书信,这一行写收信人的地址
Dear Sir or Madam,
I’m very glad to (to改为that) you can read this letter.I’m Tiffany,（加入and）sixteen years old.I'm studying in Senior One at Chongqing Foreign Languages School（建议改为I am a freshman in Chongqing Foreign Languages School）.I’m a happy （happy读来怪怪的,用optimistic吧,如果改为optimistic,记得把a换成an）and outging (outgoing) girl.I have a lot of friends.I like traveling,（符号有问题,打个逗号,空一格在写英文,如I eat apples.You eat oranges.注意apples和You之间有个句号和一个空格）reading the books,listening music,seeing（注意是watching,不是seeing） the moves （movies拼写错误）,playing with my friend and so on.I love to sharing （share,注意love to do sth.或是 love doing sth.） happiness and sorrows with my friends.I joined the summer camp in America （America有美洲的意思,如果你想说是美国,最好用American）in order to improve my English as well as learn more about American culture.(我觉得这句话不错,但是如果把in order to.放在句首,I joined放在句尾会更好)
I live in Chognqing,Cina （China） with my parents.（最好是说I live in Chongqing province with my parents in China）I’m (am是动词,love也是动词,两个动词不能放一起,你应该去掉am,说I love) love my parents.We often play badminton,go to the park for fun and go shopping at weekends.Chongqing,the city I lived in is a beautiful place,(逗号要改句号,因为是一个新句子了,除非你加个and在中间) It （加入is） surrounded by mountains and rivers.I love my school very much.My school is very beautiful.I often take part in various activities organized by the (my好些吧) school.
I am glad to be here with your family.Thanks for accepting me as one of your family members.I hope we will have a good time together in the month.(in this month?)
Best whishs
Tiffay (Tiffany)
还有,段落与段落之间可以空一格,让书信更好看.参考下封书信的格式：
Dear Mr.Long,
I have just learned with deep regret of the death of your wife and I am writing at once to express our heartfelt sympathy.
There is not much one can say at a time such as this,but those of us at the office who have met Mrs.Long would like you to know that you have our sincere sympathy in your bereavement.We recall her many kindness.She will be missed by all who knew her.
If there is any way in which we can be of any help,either now or later,do please let us know.
Yours sincerely