这个自我介绍很好,表达通顺,用词恰当,几乎没有语法错误.
第一部分有一个句子需要改：
And I am now a junior at Tianhua College of Shanghai Normal University.
第二部分可以改为：
Over the past two years,I have taken several part-time jobs.I worked as a salesperson for Suning e-go in 2011,and in 2012,I became a waitress at a Japanese restaurant.At the same time,I was a volunteer in Shanghai Oceanarium.I benefited a lot from these part-time jobs.Now,I have good teamwork skills and excellent communication skills.
最后一句Besides,I am good at office software.最好移到第一部分末尾.
注：
第二部分的开头最好有一个topic sentence,概括全段.
过去的时间,如in 2012,时态要一般过去时.
团队精神：teamwork,不需要spirits.要表达“团队合作的能力”,用teamwork skills.