1.第一段”modernized factories are built in order “改为”modernized factories have been built"注意时态的合理性.
2.however后面要由逗号
3.托福作文不能缩写,要体现出正式."I'd rather" 改成" I would rather"
4.第二第三段的过渡词偏低级.因为第四段你用了让步,所以过度词用"In addition"和"What is more"等等
5.不要一直用"more" OK?
6.最后一段"In the conclusion"改成"In conclusion"
7.The widely spread of the Internet ,which has transformed opportunities for leaning and communicating,collapses the distance and also increases the number of brilliant minds we can have working together on the same problem---and that scales up the rate of innovation to a staggering degree.说实话,这个句子很乱.建议拆分成短句,简洁明了些
8.“kids can go to the park to fun”改成“kids can go to parks for fun"注意冠词和介词的使用
9.没有"by contrast"这一说,改成" In contrast"
10." children can make learn "没有这一说,去掉make
11.托福作文的结尾要求 总结+提出期盼.这里只有总结了.后面再加上 So,it is advisable for people to live in cities,instead of conrysides.
12.看得出来,你有一定的基础.但你的用句很多都不地道,这是最大的问题.建议你多读写原文,积累语感.多用自己读到过的,有把握的句子来写,不要随意搭配.
13.你的作文应该是good,但是最下层的good,25分