As we all known应该为As we all know或者As is known
As we all known ,part-time job is more and more popular in college .此处为第一句
It is turned out that we can get a lot from it. There are 3 advantages as follows.
firstly,part-time job will provide you with a chance to earn money . You can use this sum of money( that you earn 其实不用写)to do what you like.
You will be fullfillment at the same time.
secondly ,part-time job will improve your ability of independence,
thirdly ,part-time job can also give you some useful experience to approch society,which is helpful for you to widen your horizon and enlarge your knowledge.
只是修改了语法错误,文章里一样的修辞不能反复使用,显得繁琐没有内容,比如will...,which...,可以变换着来,还有,用两三个复合句就可以,简单句为主,以免出现语法错误.
认真回复,希望采纳,谢谢!